Thursday, December 31, 2009

New Years Eve - Welcome Me Back.

In honesty, I have very little desire to even write this. It has been so long since I have placed pen to paper, that now- just the thought, just the gesture feels so entirely foreign.
After reading my last entry, I feel my anxiety rising. I feel the saddness filling my veins, my blood, my soul.
I really thought that I had turned my life around - everyone thought that I had.
...and they were wrong. I was wrong.
The urges have resurfaced themselves. They have risen, yet again, from the deep grave that I had burried them in... Only difference is that I am too afraid to act upon them... so I am left in the land called, 'Limbo.' I am stuck somewhere inbetween the old and the new. I am left in the middle of nowhere, in a body of water filling far above my ahead... only now, I have no resources to rescue me... It is just me, alone, drowning. What do I do?

With the new year finally approaching, I must admit that my disappointment is much higher than I had expected it to be a few months ago. I am sadden by the actuality of my failures. I have accomplished such very little. In fact, 'very little' is giving me too much credit. Truth be told- I have accomplished absolutely nothing at all... Aside from the single accomplishment of complete and utter isolation, once again.

I wonder if it will always be this way...
I wonder if I will always be left alone to drown.
I wonder if I will ever regain the amount of courage needed to begin using my older resources in order to save myself before I am completely gone...
I wonder...

Five Shots of Vodka,
& Many More To Come.

Happy New Year...

1 comment:

  1. all i can offer you is to take it one moment at a time - i feel your despair...