T R U T H ?

coffee. cigarettes. water. air.
=
a quick fix to purity.

I have never felt so motivated before.

You don't understand.

If you told me I was killing myself, I would laugh in your face. Truly.

Day One.

Time is slipping past me... so quickly.
Before I know it, the week will have passed and I will once again be pushed back into the devastating classroom at the horridly boring community college.

My life is at a standstill.

I have filled out my paperwork to volunteer with hospice... and I am continuing my search for a new job... I have decided that in order to please the people around me, I must force myself to act as I once did. I must push past the obstacles to contain a stoic persona.

Though my incriminating addictions have returned to me - and I know it is not long before I am once again spiraling down the path of doom - I am satisfied with my decision to return to my old ways.

I am not ignorant in the least bit - with all of my flaws so public now, I am fully aware that I am under constant surveillance, however, I couldn't care less. Honestly, I do not care if the whole world knows. What it comes down to is this: I have chosen a lifestyle that suits me, and brings happiness to me. I have found a pattern and a daily plan to bring self-control and strict discipline into my life. These are qualities that many people will never find. I have chosen this lifestyle and I am utterly pleased with my decision to do so.

The fact of the matter is that all of the surrounding people have left me once again.
I am stranded on the same island that I was just recently rescued from.
There seems to be no life on this island. no food. no shelter. not anything.
And I am satisfied. Simply because I have the one thing that brings joy into my life.

So...
I have a three word answer for anyone questioning my "risky" behavior...

"LET ME BE."


;)

it's so good to be back.

New Years Eve - Welcome Me Back.

In honesty, I have very little desire to even write this. It has been so long since I have placed pen to paper, that now- just the thought, just the gesture feels so entirely foreign.
After reading my last entry, I feel my anxiety rising. I feel the saddness filling my veins, my blood, my soul.
I really thought that I had turned my life around - everyone thought that I had.
...and they were wrong. I was wrong.
The urges have resurfaced themselves. They have risen, yet again, from the deep grave that I had burried them in... Only difference is that I am too afraid to act upon them... so I am left in the land called, 'Limbo.' I am stuck somewhere inbetween the old and the new. I am left in the middle of nowhere, in a body of water filling far above my ahead... only now, I have no resources to rescue me... It is just me, alone, drowning. What do I do?

With the new year finally approaching, I must admit that my disappointment is much higher than I had expected it to be a few months ago. I am sadden by the actuality of my failures. I have accomplished such very little. In fact, 'very little' is giving me too much credit. Truth be told- I have accomplished absolutely nothing at all... Aside from the single accomplishment of complete and utter isolation, once again.

I wonder if it will always be this way...
I wonder if I will always be left alone to drown.
I wonder if I will ever regain the amount of courage needed to begin using my older resources in order to save myself before I am completely gone...
I wonder...

Five Shots of Vodka,
& Many More To Come.

Happy New Year...

GAHHHHH!

I feel trapped within my existance.
I'm regaining my life... and I suppose that with that change comes saddness.
At least, that is what I feel - an empty, bitter, devastating saddness taking over every inch of my body. I find that the urges are coming back tonight more than ever. And more than ever I find myself surrounded my some of the most wonderful people... and still, I have never felt more alone.

I have reclaimed my freedom.
I am taking steps towards my independance.
I am facing the obstacles and over coming them successfully...
and still I find the saddness and the urges resting within my stomach... waiting... waiting for me to take action. Waiting for me to solve them or do something, anything, to get rid of them - and I haven't a clue as to how to do this.

What is wrong with me?