xghmxtmh

I do not feel the need to express anything, at all... Yet, I sit tonight with a terrible case of insomnia, and a horribly powerful motivation to write.

Though, I lack a subject...
Why must insomnia be so cruel to me?

T R U T H ?

coffee. cigarettes. water. air.
=
a quick fix to purity.

I have never felt so motivated before.

You don't understand.

If you told me I was killing myself, I would laugh in your face. Truly.

Day One.

Time is slipping past me... so quickly.
Before I know it, the week will have passed and I will once again be pushed back into the devastating classroom at the horridly boring community college.

My life is at a standstill.

I have filled out my paperwork to volunteer with hospice... and I am continuing my search for a new job... I have decided that in order to please the people around me, I must force myself to act as I once did. I must push past the obstacles to contain a stoic persona.

Though my incriminating addictions have returned to me - and I know it is not long before I am once again spiraling down the path of doom - I am satisfied with my decision to return to my old ways.

I am not ignorant in the least bit - with all of my flaws so public now, I am fully aware that I am under constant surveillance, however, I couldn't care less. Honestly, I do not care if the whole world knows. What it comes down to is this: I have chosen a lifestyle that suits me, and brings happiness to me. I have found a pattern and a daily plan to bring self-control and strict discipline into my life. These are qualities that many people will never find. I have chosen this lifestyle and I am utterly pleased with my decision to do so.

The fact of the matter is that all of the surrounding people have left me once again.
I am stranded on the same island that I was just recently rescued from.
There seems to be no life on this island. no food. no shelter. not anything.
And I am satisfied. Simply because I have the one thing that brings joy into my life.

So...
I have a three word answer for anyone questioning my "risky" behavior...

"LET ME BE."


;)

it's so good to be back.

New Years Eve - Welcome Me Back.

In honesty, I have very little desire to even write this. It has been so long since I have placed pen to paper, that now- just the thought, just the gesture feels so entirely foreign.
After reading my last entry, I feel my anxiety rising. I feel the saddness filling my veins, my blood, my soul.
I really thought that I had turned my life around - everyone thought that I had.
...and they were wrong. I was wrong.
The urges have resurfaced themselves. They have risen, yet again, from the deep grave that I had burried them in... Only difference is that I am too afraid to act upon them... so I am left in the land called, 'Limbo.' I am stuck somewhere inbetween the old and the new. I am left in the middle of nowhere, in a body of water filling far above my ahead... only now, I have no resources to rescue me... It is just me, alone, drowning. What do I do?

With the new year finally approaching, I must admit that my disappointment is much higher than I had expected it to be a few months ago. I am sadden by the actuality of my failures. I have accomplished such very little. In fact, 'very little' is giving me too much credit. Truth be told- I have accomplished absolutely nothing at all... Aside from the single accomplishment of complete and utter isolation, once again.

I wonder if it will always be this way...
I wonder if I will always be left alone to drown.
I wonder if I will ever regain the amount of courage needed to begin using my older resources in order to save myself before I am completely gone...
I wonder...

Five Shots of Vodka,
& Many More To Come.

Happy New Year...