Coming To A Close.

I used to be so very talented in writing these... before I was admitted, it was as if the world spilled out of me - and now I find myself at a loss of what to say.

I have been taking notes.

My week has been full of utter epiphanies, tears, self realizations, and growing.

And it isn't over yet.

I feel that this may be one of the best experiences of my life.

PreHospital.

I have never been so afraid.

Tomorrow all of my fears will be confronted, and I will be locked inside four walls - with no possible way out. Tomorrow I shall sign away my freedom, with the irony of getting "better."

My body feels cold as ice. My stomach is churning so incredibly bad that it is making feel utterly ill. I feel no motivation to write tonight. I just wish to cry.

I have never been so afraid.

C O N T R O L

The concept of time will forever remain relatively unfathomable.

Time remains as the one concept that we, as humans, are unable to control.

Truth be told, some may argue that we cannot control the great Mother Nature very much either. But these people stand corrected, because the difference between these two concepts is that we can control how we respond to weather and the precautions that can be made just before a hurricane hits. There are no precautions when it comes to time.

Sure we can spring forward and fall back - but this will most certainly never help us grasp the present. Minutes, seconds, hours, days, years - they will always be gliding, without our comprehension, from right under our feet. And we'll lose them all... just like that... never to see them again.

S L E E P P L E A S E!

The words are pressing against my mind.

Fifteen minutes later, and every time I rest my eyes, I feel the words beating against the iron cage I once called a skull. So many words are seeking an exit, and I haven't enough time or a large enough vocabulary to set them free. So I sit - wide awake- at five a.m.

I hear footsteps coming from upstairs. They will blame my illness for my alertness this early. Their entire body will fill with worry when they observe me sitting here so happily awake in the early hours of the day. Without a wink of sleep, my body moves more energetically than ever before.

It is nights like tonight that I dream of normality. I think back to the words I have spoken and how realistic all of them were. I think back to how you believed I was lying, even though you refused to say so, I knew it. I read it on your face like the front page news.

Ohh, how tired my eyes have really become.

I really wish I could sail away into Dreamland tonight. I wish my mind would settle. I know this is an impossible reality though.

2 days to go.

The clock has reached 4:46, & I am still unable to sleep.

My mind has wrapped itself around the complex thoughts of my fate.

As the day has ended, and tomorrow has come - I am set to embark upon a new day.

Yesterday was filled with more tears than I have let free in so very long & tomorrow is destined to be filled with reunions and utter happiness... but then again, happiness is such a feeble concept.

I wish, so often, that there was a miracle pill to calm my mind.

I wish people understood the severity of my case. I watch them when they are observing me under their own little microscopes, and I watch their eyes as they go back and forth from angst to disbelief. I wonder what behaviors I have distributed or what words I have spoken that would leave one to believe I was lying? Who would lie about such imperiously wretched things.

I guess it doesn't matter. For in my soul, I, alone, know the severity.

And to admit aloud, that my greatest fear is me, myself, is one of the hardest issues I will ever encounter. I have high hopes that my week spent in the hospital will relieve this fear... but my hopes for recovery slipped long ago.

As I grow closer to concluding this entry, my eyes are growing more heavy. I wonder to myself though, if I will actually sleep soundly once my head hits the pillow - or if I will be up until the wee hours of the morning, yet again.

I guess there is nothing else to do but to ramble on within this entry... for I have very much convinced myself that sleeping is out of the question for tonight...

Oh, how I pray for normality.

Perfection.

Through marble eyes,

obliteration lies

Beneath an ideal coat.

Years. Days. Minutes. Seconds.

Existence is a hoax.

All duplicate into deception

Just waiting for the reception

Of such a mournful case.

Unblemished coverage

Hides blunders within.

As a faulty lens

Cons the populace to begin

Considering such an imprudent

Lie.

Their souls are asking

Why?

How this go does so overlooked

When its opened up just like a book.

Foolish men stand all at sea

Searching for the evident key.

Unsure of what to do next.

They suppose this is a hex.

But they all situate so misguided

For the response is merely why did

The gods intend her so crooked?

F E A R.

My body has awoken me much earlier than normal this morning.

I have awoke in fear of the what the day has to bring. The radio tells me that Mother Nature has thunderstorms and harsh rain in the forecast for quite a few days to come - considering the circumstances this forces my heart to beat faster with nerve. What a gloomy day for such a terrible occasion. I figure it is best that I pack my things now. Prevent my parents the trouble of searching through my room. I figure it is best that I say my parting words now, in fear of the tears that shall break.

I wonder who will notify my teachers? my grandmother? my family? Will that be me too? Do they even really need to know? In actuality, they probably knew long before. I have been struggling with school for a very long while now. Maybe my stay will somehow miraculously help me with this. Either way - I have become rather sure my teachers are aware. I am sure that my parents would notify these individuals... I'd hope.

I am not set to leave until just after one this afternoon. I have awoken before the sun even, and I have no idea what I should do with myself. I could try to go back to bed, I'd suppose - but I"m not sure that I could. Each attempt at shutting my eyes, just ends in quite the tragedy. As my vivid imagination takes the front seat in my mind.

I feel both excitement and fear. Excitement - for the simple fact that this may actually work. I may be free of the monster whom has been destroying my soul for so long. And fear because it may not work. It may fail devastatingly. I would very much not like to fall subject to any of their experiments. I have decided to fake my recovery if I do not see my own results. This is the only way I can guarantee that I will break free into this hellhole of a world again.

I have been locked within my mind for so long, that I would hate to be locked away physically as well...

Oh, I feel the fear.