New Years Eve - Welcome Me Back.

In honesty, I have very little desire to even write this. It has been so long since I have placed pen to paper, that now- just the thought, just the gesture feels so entirely foreign.
After reading my last entry, I feel my anxiety rising. I feel the saddness filling my veins, my blood, my soul.
I really thought that I had turned my life around - everyone thought that I had.
...and they were wrong. I was wrong.
The urges have resurfaced themselves. They have risen, yet again, from the deep grave that I had burried them in... Only difference is that I am too afraid to act upon them... so I am left in the land called, 'Limbo.' I am stuck somewhere inbetween the old and the new. I am left in the middle of nowhere, in a body of water filling far above my ahead... only now, I have no resources to rescue me... It is just me, alone, drowning. What do I do?

With the new year finally approaching, I must admit that my disappointment is much higher than I had expected it to be a few months ago. I am sadden by the actuality of my failures. I have accomplished such very little. In fact, 'very little' is giving me too much credit. Truth be told- I have accomplished absolutely nothing at all... Aside from the single accomplishment of complete and utter isolation, once again.

I wonder if it will always be this way...
I wonder if I will always be left alone to drown.
I wonder if I will ever regain the amount of courage needed to begin using my older resources in order to save myself before I am completely gone...
I wonder...

Five Shots of Vodka,
& Many More To Come.

Happy New Year...

GAHHHHH!

I feel trapped within my existance.
I'm regaining my life... and I suppose that with that change comes saddness.
At least, that is what I feel - an empty, bitter, devastating saddness taking over every inch of my body. I find that the urges are coming back tonight more than ever. And more than ever I find myself surrounded my some of the most wonderful people... and still, I have never felt more alone.

I have reclaimed my freedom.
I am taking steps towards my independance.
I am facing the obstacles and over coming them successfully...
and still I find the saddness and the urges resting within my stomach... waiting... waiting for me to take action. Waiting for me to solve them or do something, anything, to get rid of them - and I haven't a clue as to how to do this.

What is wrong with me?

Coming To A Close.

I used to be so very talented in writing these... before I was admitted, it was as if the world spilled out of me - and now I find myself at a loss of what to say.

I have been taking notes.

My week has been full of utter epiphanies, tears, self realizations, and growing.

And it isn't over yet.

I feel that this may be one of the best experiences of my life.

PreHospital.

I have never been so afraid.

Tomorrow all of my fears will be confronted, and I will be locked inside four walls - with no possible way out. Tomorrow I shall sign away my freedom, with the irony of getting "better."

My body feels cold as ice. My stomach is churning so incredibly bad that it is making feel utterly ill. I feel no motivation to write tonight. I just wish to cry.

I have never been so afraid.

C O N T R O L

The concept of time will forever remain relatively unfathomable.

Time remains as the one concept that we, as humans, are unable to control.

Truth be told, some may argue that we cannot control the great Mother Nature very much either. But these people stand corrected, because the difference between these two concepts is that we can control how we respond to weather and the precautions that can be made just before a hurricane hits. There are no precautions when it comes to time.

Sure we can spring forward and fall back - but this will most certainly never help us grasp the present. Minutes, seconds, hours, days, years - they will always be gliding, without our comprehension, from right under our feet. And we'll lose them all... just like that... never to see them again.

S L E E P P L E A S E!

The words are pressing against my mind.

Fifteen minutes later, and every time I rest my eyes, I feel the words beating against the iron cage I once called a skull. So many words are seeking an exit, and I haven't enough time or a large enough vocabulary to set them free. So I sit - wide awake- at five a.m.

I hear footsteps coming from upstairs. They will blame my illness for my alertness this early. Their entire body will fill with worry when they observe me sitting here so happily awake in the early hours of the day. Without a wink of sleep, my body moves more energetically than ever before.

It is nights like tonight that I dream of normality. I think back to the words I have spoken and how realistic all of them were. I think back to how you believed I was lying, even though you refused to say so, I knew it. I read it on your face like the front page news.

Ohh, how tired my eyes have really become.

I really wish I could sail away into Dreamland tonight. I wish my mind would settle. I know this is an impossible reality though.

2 days to go.

The clock has reached 4:46, & I am still unable to sleep.

My mind has wrapped itself around the complex thoughts of my fate.

As the day has ended, and tomorrow has come - I am set to embark upon a new day.

Yesterday was filled with more tears than I have let free in so very long & tomorrow is destined to be filled with reunions and utter happiness... but then again, happiness is such a feeble concept.

I wish, so often, that there was a miracle pill to calm my mind.

I wish people understood the severity of my case. I watch them when they are observing me under their own little microscopes, and I watch their eyes as they go back and forth from angst to disbelief. I wonder what behaviors I have distributed or what words I have spoken that would leave one to believe I was lying? Who would lie about such imperiously wretched things.

I guess it doesn't matter. For in my soul, I, alone, know the severity.

And to admit aloud, that my greatest fear is me, myself, is one of the hardest issues I will ever encounter. I have high hopes that my week spent in the hospital will relieve this fear... but my hopes for recovery slipped long ago.

As I grow closer to concluding this entry, my eyes are growing more heavy. I wonder to myself though, if I will actually sleep soundly once my head hits the pillow - or if I will be up until the wee hours of the morning, yet again.

I guess there is nothing else to do but to ramble on within this entry... for I have very much convinced myself that sleeping is out of the question for tonight...

Oh, how I pray for normality.